Confused Wishings of the Heart

Have you ever wished that you could've been immortal?

Cliche, isn't it?

I suppose the next line would've been: Come my love, and into the night we shall fly-- or some drivel like that.

But me? I don't really think that it's immortality that I'm after. If ever opportunity offered me one power, I would wish to have infinite wealth.

Wait a minute. I know what most people would think. You're one of those money-faced bastards, aren't you?

For one, let us all accept the fact that it is money that makes the world go round - not love, happiness - whatever all the idealists say. I never wanted vast riches, nor do I wish to own a mansion. I just want some sort of sustainable wealth to get by. As long as I am stable and have the luxury to buy my own things without being in debt, I'm happy.

In short, I believe that I am someone who thirsts for knowledge, not some avaricious gold-digger. I want to have the intellectual adventure of a lifetime. But these days it's not easy to just educate yourself with what you want.

True - you want to learn more about philosophy - Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, and nestle yourself in the beauty of the Renaissance era, but my dear, do you have the money for it? My mother often accuses me of liking the course of Psychology only because she thinks that I'm going for the 'easy break' (if it actually exists). But somehow, I think I just really like abstract ideas that are rooted in realism. I just like the thrill of it.

But let's see - to become a psychologist I must study how many years again? Approximately eight. And in those four extra years, I am sure to hear the jubilant cries of my comrades, who are already earning their worth's pay. And me? Where will I be? I would be sitting on some cracked chair, trying to make sense of things as I pour through all the medical terms I could muster. Wonderful. I don't think my family could handle my unemployment for another two years.

Somehow I find it depressing and grateful that practicality is my conscience. I guess that I just really want to find my niche. I always wanted to - but I often end up confused (don't you remember my last post?) It's even so sad that it's only now that I have musings of being a psychologist - when my parents clearly asked me before if I wanted to be a doctor. I could've skipped on all the drama of SATs and tutorings. Dear God - I need my brain checked. :|

Let's face it. There are no such things as happy endings. People are fickle creatures. We waver, we change, we regret. We are supposed to take courses that will garner us money, not give us happiness. People are supposed to slave away if they want to survive. We live in a sad world, don't we?

I'm going to take business. I have to admit that I do like it, but I also like to take something different too. Hello? Global recession? I'd like to think that I should have some backup in case I end up a hobo. I don't want to concentrate all my life in business, so I want to at least take some neuro/psych course, but I mean what's the point? I'm not going to amount to a doctor, and the fact that even if I do - America only accepts their own 'kind'. If I go back here and become a psychologist - Ha! I'd end up dirt poor. There. Dead end. Whoopee for medicine~

It's so easy for others to say 'you can decide when you get there'. That's because they can 'study for fun'. I'm not saying that they're going to thrash and waste their lives in that course, but they can study it for more knowledge, to learn.

Ok, I'm getting confused again. Let's recap.

1. I'm taking business, but I feel the need to take 'something that I like'.
2. I have ruled that I like psychology.
3. So I planned to take a dual degree with business and psychology.
4. Problem starts: the psychology course isn't that great and I won't amount to a doctor anyway.
5. (already here)

- Finally after a long chat and debate with the parents -

I guess for now it ends on a fair note.

5. Take the politics, economics, and philo course all rolled into one, coupled with the business course I plan to take. (Don't worry, I like philo and politics anyway)

All's well that ends well? Hopefully. Now I hope that everything pushes through - I still have more powerful storms to face. This course thing? It's just a drizzle.

-B&R-

It has to start somewhere...

If ever someone would ask me - why did I ever decide to create this blog, I honestly wouldn't know how to answer him.

Probably as a default answer, I would say: 'I want to air out my views. It'll be like therapy."

But is it really?

I, for one, am rarely able to like something completely. I often succeed in liking a minute portion of some drabble, and then easily get bored and move on. I'd like to imagine that I'm some sort of connoisseur, sampling every single dish in the area, and most likely leaving with the happiest of stomachs; however, reality would beg to differ.

My mother often chides me of how I like to glide through the glossy pages of Time or Fortune, read a paragraph or two - and then presume to know the whole story. Indeed, I'm quite like that - which is why I have chosen to watch CNN instead of reading, I get information quicker that way. But I digress. Point is, I hardly ever learn anything - but it is true, I can be a jack of all trades. I know how to paint, draw, color, Photoshop, write poetry and essays, play the piano, dance (if carefully instructed), act, swim - and yes, I've even done Kumon.

But I only am skilled at a certain level. For one, I've stopped painting and Kumon. I only know the basics of Photoshop, as I'm not that interested in knowing the fuddly-duddly of computers. Up to now, I can't read music notes as fast as I should have - but I do know how to play pieces of Bach, Beethoven, Pachebel and Mozart. I can act if you give me a script, and as I mentioned, dance if I'm carefully instructed. I can swim and perform the techniques (the Butterfly, the breast stroke, freestyle), but only at a required feet. And as of late, I have discovered that I am not skilled in writing - I lack the depth and persuasiveness that most writers have.

As much as I would love to mope in my depression, my mother staunchly disapproves of it. She often chides me by just saying I should practice. For this theory, I have to thank my dad - who reasoned with me just a few days ago: Child, you can't say that you're not born smart. For example, I am already an adult and even at this ripe age, I can't play a simple game of Super Mario - but you, only a youth - can master and even complete the game. How then did you achieve that?

As a result, I have to train and practice myself. As much as this is true, I often have to think and assess my 'skills'. We all know that a person can't be good at everything - which is why now I'm tasked with deciding which is 'more beneficial'. Piano over painting? Check. Writing over swimming - fine.

Pretty much at the end of the day, I think I've got it covered. I know which skills to practice: right now, I'm currently practicing my piano, calculus and my writing. I'm currently trying to memorize basic notes, so I won't just memorize pieces - I'd actually feel the thrill of playing them like I do in Guitar Hero. I can actually feel the spontaneity and more of the emotion. For calculus and writing, I have two great teachers that are guiding me throughout the week. I can't thank them enough.

But wait. Why did I choose piano over painting - writing over swimming? Because it's more practical, I guess. Although many would disagree, I stand true (stubborn old me) with my decision. Why? Because if I do pursue with my likes, I end up trapped again at a certain level. I like a lot of things. In one day, I can advert my eyes to law, medicine and business. I switch careers on a whim.

Apparently, I'm not exactly great with controlling my emotions (like the rest of the world). I need my mind to do the talking once in a while - my heart needs a break from all the drama.

A lot of questions seemed unanswered from this first post. What will my career be then? How will I deal with my emotions? I guess all of these will be figured out as I make more posts.

After all, it has to start somewhere...

-B&R-